In couples’ relationships where ADHD is involved, all too often there is a parent/child dynamic between the partners. What this means is that, usually, it is the non-ADHD partner who takes on the parent role, the one who seems to be the manager or who takes charge, whereas it’s the ADHD partner who is somewhat irresponsible, inconsistent, less competent, and more childlike. In our interview on Attention Talk Video, marriage and relationship consultant Melissa Orlov (www.adhdmarriage.com) shares insight on how couples can work together toward a transition where they learn how not to step on each other’s toes.
When children come along, things usually get worse because the non-ADHD partner begins to compensate for the immature behavior of the other, often resulting in “chore wars.” This negative environment is damaging and can destroy a marital relationship. But there is help available. It will be challenging, but the ADHD partner must create external structures so they can stand on their own feet, and then the non-ADHD partner has to back off a bit and give room for the new structures to work.
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:
Jeff Copper:
Welcome everybody to this addition of Attention Talk Video. I’m your host, and ADHD coach and attention coach, Jeff Copper. Sorry, stumbling over my words. We’re here today with marriage consultant Melissa Orlov. Melissa, welcome to the show.
Melissa Orlov:
Thank you.
Jeff Copper:
Fascinating topic today. All too often in ADHD couples in a relationship, there seems to be this parent/child dynamic that kind of goes on. Can you speak to that?
Melissa Orlov:
Yes. So, that is a parent/child dynamic between the partners, it’s always good to clarify that.
Jeff Copper:
Yes. Yes.
Melissa Orlov:
The typically non-ADHD partner takes on the role of the person managing the relationship, who is in control, who’s following up on things, who’s nagging or reminding an ADHD partner, and the ADHD partner takes on the role of sort of irresponsible, inconsistent, less competent childlike figure. It’s extremely common, and it’s also extremely destructive for a marital relationship.
Jeff Copper:
Does that happen early in the relationship, or is it something that kind of evolves over time?
Melissa Orlov:
Usually, actually I think it does happen relatively early. But, when you have kids coming onto the scene, that can make it worse. But it’s often related to the chore wars, where tasks are getting promised but not getting completed, and the non-ADD partner starts to compensate for ADHD symptomatic behaviors. And typically, almost all couples who are struggling with this right now, the ADHD was not originally known in the relationship. So they don’t realize they’re compensating for ADHD behaviors. They just know that the partner didn’t follow through on something, it’s easier for me to finish it up right now and I’ll just do it. Or didn’t follow up on something, so I have to remind them to follow up on something.
Jeff Copper:
I just have to stop. I loved your word chore wars.
Melissa Orlov:
Yeah.
Jeff Copper:
It’s kind of a catchphrase really. Really rang true, chore wars. I get that. You do a lot of work with couples in seminars and so you’re dealing with this all the time. What comments do you have in terms of couples working with this to mitigate that dynamic? Because, it can’t be healthy.
Melissa Orlov:
It’s not healthy because you become very imbalanced in power in the relationship, and of course it’s not at all romantic to be in a parent/child situation. This is actually … it’s interesting, it is almost universal for couples who are struggling. It’s one of the main reasons they’re struggling actually in their relationship, and it’s a little hard to get out of. So the very first thing they have to do is actually identify it and notice. Well, if you’re making lists for your ADHD partner, that’s taking on part of what should be their responsibilities. You shouldn’t be dictating to them what they’re doing as much as coordinating with them what they’re doing. You shouldn’t be telling your partner what to do at a doctor’s appointment, for example, or trying to figure out how to call his psychologist. You should be letting him manage or her manage her own medical issues.
Jeff Copper:
That’s interesting, because imagine I’m a viewer of this video and I’m listening and I’m in that parent/child … I mean, what do you do? Because, if you’re not the ADD, these things need to get done and there’s a paradigm shift that I would just kind of offer up. I know when I’m coaching, and that is it’s not focus on what they need to get done, but help them figure out how they get it done.
Melissa Orlov:
Or even better is you work with your partner within the three legs of optimizing treatment, where you interact around these things more productively. So, it’s not necessarily the role of the non-ADHD partner to help or create a structure for the ADHD partner. That, in fact, would be a kind of parenting behavior. But, you certainly could support somebody using a coach, for example, or optimizing their treatment, helping them asses which medications might work best for them if that’s what they’re going to be doing and helping them understand their symptom expression. Because, people with ADHD, they have one perception of their symptoms and those around them may have a very different one. So that is a very constructive way to help, is to provide another set of eyes.
Melissa Orlov:
But you have to be very careful. The biggest hindrance, quite frankly, for the non-ADD partner is a fear that if they don’t stay involved that nothing will get done, and that’s a very well grounded fear because when their partner didn’t know about the ADHD, if the non-ADHD partner wasn’t doing something, then the ADHD partner typically often did fall between the cracks because they were distracted, whatever. They didn’t have the ADHD under control. So, it’s a very understandable fear. But, it’s one that they have to … once the ADHD partner starts to manage the ADHD better, then there’s a transition period where they learn how to not step in each other’s territories.
Jeff Copper:
Yup. I have to tell you, as a coach, I’ve worked with the ADD partner many times and it’s just really revealing because I like to, when people come to me, I always like to say “Well, you’re already organized. You don’t really know how you do it.” I was coaching somebody the other day who struggles with basic housework type of thing, and is very, very musically inclined and great stuff, and just dancing and singing and having loud music, and it’s just an environmental change that brings enough stimulation for them to kind of get through it. And it was fun working with this person to get that awareness that that’s actually how they can kind of go forward and providing those resources for that person to figure out the environment which they could do it and supporting that. It seems to me that that’s working together to move forward and that, over time, will reduce that parent/child relationship. Is that an accurate assessment Melissa?
Melissa Orlov:
Well, I think that’s an excellent example of a strategy that a person with ADHD can use to be able to get them going. There’s everything from using a kitchen timer and racing it in 10 minute increments to hanging lists up so that you can follow step-by-step. It depends on what you’re trying to address obviously. But, that’s just one part of it. So the ADHD partner must be able to stand on their own feet and they have to create these external structures, and they’re quite, as you say, individual. And then the non-ADHD partner has to back away and that is, for couples, often equally as challenging.
Jeff Copper:
Absolutely. Well Melissa, this has been very, very enlightening. For those that are viewing this, you do some retreats and some seminars on this. For those that might want to learn more about that, how would they find you?
Melissa Orlov:
They can find me at my website, which is at www.adhdmarriage.com. And I have an eight-week telephone seminar that couples from all over the world actually take, which is a really very good resource for couples.
Jeff Copper:
Excellent, excellent. Melissa, thanks for the tips and thanks for coming on the show.
Melissa Orlov:
Absolutely.
Jeff Copper:
Take care, everybody.